Meet the candidates for President of the Multiverse – Part II
You Mean There’s More Than Two Political Parties?
Elections for President of the Multiverse are foremost in everyone’s mind as we enter the last twenty-four hours before the polls open. Your polling place is Captain Blue Hen Comics and the polls are open Wednesday, November 12 from noon to 8pm. When you cast your vote you’re eligible to win a $24 CBH gift certificate.
So while the Vigilance and Futurist parties are usually the 800 pound gorillas every election it turns out there are others who believe in the omniversal dream that anyone can be president of the multiverse if you have the right combination of skills, determination, luck and charisma. So while they may not have the money or the prestige of the big Two, there are still some plucky believers out there who seek to convince you they are the best man, woman, cyborg or artificial life form for the job.
Here’s a quick rundown of the parties, candidates, platforms and detractors.
Pep Party
Promising a return to the halcyon days of innocence, Archie Andrews and his running mate,
Betty Cooper, believe that simpler times were the best times. Finding grass roots support in places like Mayberry, Pleasantville and Andrews’ hometown of Riverdale, Andrews feels the toughest decisions anyone should have to make are choosing between a chocolate or vanilla milkshake and whether to to take a beautiful, athletic blonde or a vivacious, extremely wealthy brunette to the prom.
Andrews’ detractors point to his legendary indecisiveness, claims that Cooper may be the real leader and that his campaign is bankrolled by and his administration would be in the pocket of Lodge Enterprises.
Assimilation Party
Hoping for a historic victory for artificial life forms and cyber organic beings, 
Ultron-15 and Locutus of Borg promise universal order. Ultron believes that peace begins at home with the subjugation of free will. Ultron is staunchly bipartisan and is on record stating that all will bend to the Will of Ultron regardless of party affiliation.
Assimilation party critics feel Ultron’s ambitions of “one will under Ultron” may be too overreaching and note that his obsessive Anti-Avengers stance has not been popular in important electoral states like California and New York. Also many believe his choice of running mate , Locutus of Borg, was cheap pandering to garner the nerd and chick vote.
New Hope Party
Bespin’s adopted son, Lando Calrissian, is running on his record as a War Hero from the Battle 
of Endor, bolstered by the unimpeachable war record of his V.P. partner, Wedge Antilles, decorated veteran of numerous key engagements of the epic “Star Wars.” Lando promises change from the oppression of the recently ousted Palpatine administration and believes the public will be intoxicated with the “smooth flavor” his cabinet will bring.
New Hope rivals are quick to point out Lando’s former position as an Empire toadie, his reputation as a womanizer and flip-flopper and perhaps most damingly, his ties to Big Gas Energy concerns. Lando and Wedge’s ages are also an issue since both candidate’s confess to being born “long ago.”
Nirvana Party
“Tough on terror!” is the battle cry of Buffy Summers and Seven of Nine of the Nirvana party. Homeland Security is issue number one as she promises to take a stab at the black heart of all things that go bump in the night. While usually morbidly serious, Summers also champions a lighter economic agenda that seeks to put “a pair of the cutest little pumps” in every closet..
.
Summers’ attackers claim that despite her tough on terror stance, she may be one of the most dangerous terrorists of our time, citing the mysterious destruction and disappearance of her hometown and the numerous unexplained deaths during her high school years. Running mate, Seven of Nine has attracted the ire of the very vocal MA-DD, Mothers Against Double D’s, who believe her choice of a skintight silver catsuit is the greatest threat to common decency since Elvis Presley’s pelvis. Surprisingly, this same outifit is usually the primary selling point for her supporters.
Free Market Party
“Trickle Down Economics works. Trust the Rich” is the campaign cackle of C Montgomery Burns. A staunch supporter of a Free Market Economy and the autonomy of the corporation, Burns assures us that the filthy rich have only the best interests of the middle class at heart. His running mate, Skynet, asserts that if elected and “activated” the “Bones of the
middle class [contentions] will be ground under the wheels of our progress.” (Parenthetical corrections added by the Burns campaign).
Cons- Given that Burns was born in the 19th century his dodecagenerian health is an issue, especially since his running mate is a malevolent series of tubes.
Comments